sometimes. there is someone in your life. at one point. where this song totally makes sense.

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

i am home alone. its one of those rare moments that i do cherish. though at the same time. its really boring. i guess i can just never be satisfied. i am sick and sitting on this couch listening to some coldplay. its soothing for my soul. lately, work has been stressful for me. with the recent layoffs and new additions to the team from elsewhere have really thrown the world i use to know upside down. having mixed feelings about work. and about my career. all very scary. occasionally i just need a little boost. from life. its been hard to come by. i dont even know what i am reflecting on anymore. sometimes i feel that my youth is just passing me by. that i am not necessarily living a life of a 25 year old. i feel like i am living a life of a 35 year old. when i think about that, it scares me. it makes me want to run away. and do all the things that i cannot afford to do. i am envious of those who can travel around the world. envious of those who find great pleasure in their job. and most of all i am envious of those who just go out and do it. nothing holds them back. what is it about life that i am afraid of? i dont know. i am afraid of just letting go and just do it. i am afraid of losing. afraid of falling on my face and never being able to pick myself back up again. i recently got into this program for the advertising industry. one of most prominent programs. if this was me one year ago. i would be so happy and anxious to go through with this. now. its great. i am happy that i got selected. though there is something inside of me that is making me wanting to back out. i wonder if it is just the fear of time commitment that is needed on my part. or if it is just simply i no longer feel the passion for advertising. i am use to a certain lifestyle. so it is hard for me to switch jobs. at this point in my career. and take a pay cut. i dont know if i am willing to do that. i will never cease to be amazed at how finances can get me down. its one of those days, weeks, months. that i am just feeling down. just let me feel better. i want to feel calm again. why is that so hard?